Midnight

I was actually excited
this was to be my night
My senior prom and
this all feels so right

I mostly brushed off
every noise that i heard
One thing however stuck;
My mothers words

"Please be careful"
try as you might
and please son,
just be home by midnight"

In one ear out the other
I was off to pick up my girl
anxious and ready
my stomach did twirls

Stop to grab my date
We're both completely decked out
Parents at the ready with cameras
and with speeches, no doubt

Her parents seem to like me
and we consider that great
and for their peace of mind
we promised not to stay out too late

...

Prom is all over
party invites in the air
but we made our promises
so we won't even dare

Driving through town
The streets were all packed
everyone all hyped up
as if they don't know how to act

We were at the intersection
at the light waiting to change
but you didn't stop
that's when things got strange

We were mid conversation
happily enjoying our night
when you hit us...
Do you feel any contrite?

...

I wake up
my head hurts so bad
"What's going on?
who sounds so sad?"

I can't comprehend
what is going on here
talk to me mom
there's nothing to fear

What's he talking about mom?
don't believe it's not true!
I'm not dead!
my life isn't through!

I didn't even stop to party
not one drop of beer
I can't possibly be dead
I've only seen 17 years!

A view of the sky
and I notice the bright morning light
I'm so sorry, I've let you down mom
it's way past midnight

My heart

I always understood you
and every choice that you made
yet, I still cant seem to grasp that
i was the reason why you stayed

I didn't realize my importance
until time ticked too late
I figured life could be better
If me, you could finally hate

enough blame to go around
yet I blame myself most of all
I saw all the warning signs
i saw you slowly fall

I assumed these were all my fault
so i cut myself from your world
I refused to be a part of you
out of control I swirled


I threw my ring at you
told you we'd never be together
told you to move on with your life
that we'd never have a forever

Told you i didn't love you
told you i hated you so much
all the awful things i said
to get you out of my clutch

the truth of course i hid
I love you more than you knew
I just wanted a happy life for you
enough i had put you through

I like to believe you know the truth now
that i do love you too
I hope someday you'll forgive me
for all i've put you through

I'm still here for you, ya know
For not even death can tear us apart
I love you, I need say it now
you still have my heart



<3 shelby

Trapped

Trapped inside my head
I so badly need out
but no one can hear me
no one hears silent shouts

I'm closing in on insanity
meters are way up on despair
I just feel so alone
Like nobody even cares

I used to have goals
even hopes and even dreams
but now i have nothing
is it really as bad as it seems?

I will hide all my struggles
enforcing with routine is the key
No one will suspect anything
if there's nothing to see

I blame it on teenage angst
my reason for falling of course
I'm unbelievably angry
but missing a source

I tell myself it's withdrawal
that's why I'm acting weird
but who knew it would be like this
the old me has disappeared

Maybe I'm the me I've always been
am i really this weak?
I can't take it if it's true
this isn't the me i meant to seek

I'm confused, I'm lost
why do i feel like this?
I need someone to talk to
someone with who wont just spit bliss

Oh well. I prefer keeping it to myself
that way there's no one to blame
for saying the wrong things
and just feeding the flames

I'm just not sure
what exactly it means
I just know I dont like me
not when I'm clean

<3 shelby

Throwing them the bone

Every Month I go
just to let them check in my mind
but I always stay bottled up
cant take the risk to unwind

I wander int he door
up the stairs to the waiting room
I analyze those around me
what brought them to this doom?

Perhaps they're just like me
and nobody really knows
just aware somethings wrong
they too must've let a symptom show

Suddenly my name is called
I break out from my thoughts
I walk out with the nurse
is every person in this building such a bot?

Height and weight first
yawn. can i go?
listings of questions
the answers they already know

WAIT! what was that last one?
Do i ever think about...?
uh... NO. never. absolutely not
I need this question out

I always consider telling the truth
and answering "all the time"
but i know they'd lock me up
those words are a crime

Moving on to the doctor
where mom tells whats wrong
she doesnt even know
but she's been trying to help all along

so i let her tell him
what treatments to try
hey why not go along with it
without even a question why

So i just agree completely
failing all pre-set expectations
I let them prescribe me how they wish
no words from me, no hesitation

Let them decide my issues
even though they're far from close
Whoa. suprise! they dont help?
oh. just up the dose

Gotta keep my secrets
dont let them in my head
just keep showing my fake progress
keep doing what is said

Maybe if they think im fixed...
I'll be left alone!
I mean i'd know im still screwed up
but hey, i'll throw them a bone


<3 shelby

Time Wasted

Don't waste your breath
I appreciate what you're saying
life is a game to me
I'm merely playing

I dont take things seriously
I dont see the point
Why bother getting stressed
just smoke a joint

I gave up on a future
quite a long time ago
that one night after-
that you'll never know

So please just ignore me
I can't take the sympathy in your eyes
I deal with it just fine
behind a smiling disguise

you can't help me
so please dont try
I can't open up
I can't even cry

I look for way to express
my feelings without saying
two ways i have
but I always end up paying

I need to be in control
from happiness to pain
must remain in my possesion
I must maintain my reign

So just go away
dont try to figure me out
I'm better struggling
you're better without


<3 Shelby

Just A Joke

Life isn't serious
Life's just a joke
don't go to school
stay home and smoke

No disappointments
if you have no goals
blow off you're plans
c'mon smoke that bowel

Who cares what happens
who cares if i die
I just need a fix
I need to get high

Life's better when you're unconscious
Life's better when it's hazy
you probably think I'm nuts
You're thinking I'm crazy

I dont care
Not about you, not even about me
I couldn't care less
I'm who I want to be

I understand you
I'm not dumb
I just ignore you
I'm way past numb

Don't bother telling me
let it all go downhill
I'll forget in a second
just let me pop this pill...




<3 shelby

Do you ever...

Do you ever
sit in the tub and look around
notice the hair dryers plugged in
and consider dropping it down

Do you ever
get ready to walk across the street
see that a car is coming
almost dont stop your feet

Do you ever
find yourself on that bridge
toes dangling over
and think of moving that extra smidge

Do you ever
see something metal, something small
suspiciously close to an outlet
and almost put it in the wall

Do you ever
look at the toaster see it's on
have a fork in hand
and contemplate sticking it gone

Do you ever
just for a split second
that tiny little moment
think of letting it all end

Maybe I'm crazy
or maybe you think this way too
but we both know life is precious
of course we do

but sometimes,
that second we spend thinking it out
just that moment, just that doubt
could end it all...



<3 shelby